Have You Met Pat?

Section 01

The Pat Dossier

Everything we are legally and morally allowed to tell you about Pat.

Live Pat Status

Right now in Missoula it's … and Pat is probably doing something wholesome.

Name

Pat

Just Pat. Like Cher, but in Montana.

Location

Missoula, MT

Mountains: many. Pats: one.

Occupation

Healthcare Consulting

He will explain it over coffee. You will nod. It will be fine. Pat has asked us to add that it is "very lucrative." We have now added that.

Dogs

Yes. Plural.

They are his roommates and his references. See Exhibit B.

Volunteers

Animal shelter

Yes, really. It is honestly a little much.

Office

Any coffee shop with an outlet

Order: undisclosed. Refills: several.

Cardio

Hiking

Will suggest a "quick" hike. Bring water. Bring a will.

Palate

Elite

Will order for the table. Trust him. Then thank him.

Passport

Stamped

Plans entire trips around one lunch reservation.

Embarrassment threshold

Not detected

We ran tests. This website is the test.

Signature move

The Pizza Toss Retired

See the petition. Sign the petition.

Status

Available

Recently re-entered the market. Lightly used. Well maintained. Dogs included.

Section 02

Photographic Evidence

Submitted to the court of public opinion by Pat, personally. Every frame is Pat-approved and, per Pat, current.

Pat smiling at golden hour beside a white fence, holding apples, with several horses behind him — **Exhibit A:** Pat, feeding apples to horses at golden hour, in a photo that is frankly unfair to the rest of us. He submitted this one himself. He submitted all of them himself, actually.

Pat in the driver's seat of a car with two dogs, a grey-and-white hound in front and a brown-and-white dog in the back seat — **Exhibit B:** The roommates. The one in front is pretending not to listen. The one in back has already formed an opinion about you.

Pat, a bald man with a full beard in a blue checked shirt, in front of a white fence, green field, and Montana hills — **Exhibit C:** The official headshot. Taken by Pat, of Pat, in Montana. He asked us to note that healthcare consulting is very lucrative. Noted.

Pat taking a selfie with three smiling friends beside a canal; one holds up a peace sign and one has a green straw in his mouth — **Exhibit D:** Pat with friends who are not Pat, on a trip Pat planned around lunch. One of them has a straw in his mouth. Nobody has explained this.

Pat in a chef's hat and apron tossing pizza dough into the air in front of a yellow background — **Exhibit E:** The Pizza Toss, preserved in motion for the historical record. Retired at the height of its powers. There is a petition.

Section 03

Rate Pat

On a scale of one to five Pats. Your rating goes directly to a private Discord channel where his friends read it aloud in a voice of their choosing.

Current Pat Score

5.0 / 5

Sample size: Pat's mom. Help us fix the methodology.

Your rating

Pick a number of Pats. Be honest. Be kind. Be honest first.

Your name (optional, coward) How do you know Pat?

Comment (optional)

Section 05

Send Pat to a Friend

Someone in your life has not met Pat. That is a problem with a one-tap solution.

Section 06

Certify That You've Met Pat

Met Pat? Congratulations. Make it official, print it, frame it, put it on the fridge next to the dog.

Section 07

Petition to Un-Retire the Pizza Toss

For years, Pat had one dance move: he'd toss an imaginary pizza into the air, catch it, and toss it again. It was perfect. He retired it at the height of its powers, like an athlete, without consulting anyone. We the undersigned demand its return.

– signatures are being counted by hand in a Discord channel.

Section 08

The Pat Compatibility Test

Six questions. Rigorous methodology. Peer-reviewed by Pat's dogs, who approved everything.

Results are calculated using a proprietary algorithm that Pat's friends built at a bar. It has never produced a score below 70. This is a feature.

Section 09

Frequently Asked Questions

Questions people have asked, or would have asked if they'd known about Pat sooner.

Is Pat real?

Yes. Unfortunately for Pat.

Is this a dating site?

This is a Pat site. If dating occurs, that's between you, Pat, and his dogs, who will be consulted.

Did Pat consent to this?

Enthusiastically. He asked for it. Repeatedly. We have the texts.

Who runs this website?

Pat's friends. Years ago, on nights out, we'd walk up to strangers and ask, "Have you met Pat?" That was the whole game. It worked more than it should have. Then Pat got married and we retired it. Now it's back, and so is Pat.

What is Pat's relationship status, exactly?

Available. Details are Pat's to share, and he will share them, over a coffee that becomes a lunch. He's an open book. He'll bring the book.

What happened to the Pizza Toss?

It was retired at the peak of its powers, like Barry Sanders, and with about as much explanation. There is a petition.

What is healthcare consulting?

Pat will explain it to you over a 45-minute coffee. You will nod. It will be fine. He is, by all accounts, very good at it, and he has asked us, in writing, to tell you it is very lucrative. So: it is very lucrative.

Can I meet Pat's dogs?

That's a second-date question. Ambitious. We like it.

What happens to what I submit?

It goes to a private Discord channel where Pat's friends read it, react with emojis, and forward the good ones to Pat. Nothing is stored on this site's servers. There is no database. We count things, and that's it.

Are there embarrassing photos of Pat?

There were. Pat had them removed because they "weren't current." He is not embarrassed easily, but he is thorough.

Have you met Pat?

Well. Now you have.